Dating An Exotic

“I’ve never dated an exotic before, so this should be interesting.”

I was the first Black woman he ever dated, and man was he excited. After being married and divorced twice to two White women who simply laid in bed like a log, he thought he hit the jackpot.

I would’ve never known had he not “finally opened up to me.” When I confronted him about it, I said:

“I’m sure you don’t realize this, but that’s offensive. Especially to white women. You pretty much just compared POC women to a delicacy and White women to cardboard. I’m sure some POC’s would take that as a compliment, but I’m sure those women are just insecure and feel a need to be validated by a White male.”

Am I still dating him? Yes. Did I ignore what he said? Definitely not. He has one more chance to not act like a typical privileged White male.

Ignoring a statement like that is the same as accepting it. I refuse to act like it did not happen, but I do feel conflicted.

My area is not known to be the most diverse. What more can I expect from any online dating site that matches me with White males from this area? Statistically I am more likely to be the first African American woman most of these men have ever been interested in / talked to / dated. Therefore, the likelihood of one of them offending me with a statement like that is fairly high.

What’s an educated, open-minded, and cultured African-American woman to do? Keep spot treating such stains, or throw it all out together when I may just experience another issue like this?

 

Weave-splaining

This entry was written the hour before my last relationship ended.

If only you could have seen my face when my significant other started blathering on about weaves or extensions. They’re pointless he said…a waste of money and unauthentic, and you shouldn’t care what people think of your hair.

Unauthentic?!  Who says that in order for an African American / Black / person of African descent to be “real” we must show our natural hair? How does natural hair validate my Blackness?

Without knowing it, he was correlating natural hair to a “Black” seal of approval…”Made in Black America.” I did not realize that I must put my ethnicity on display like an FDA-approved Organic label.

All the while I stared at his ignorant self, I poetically thought:

Does he not see that it’s because of people like him that I revel in my Blackness with the few who feel the way I do? This protects me from those cases where curiosity peaks and fingers reach towards my glossy locks OR from the stares received when others perceive the authenticity of my weave is their business…”Is it real or not?”

If he gave a shit about toning down the condescending/self-righteous speech, he would have saw that:

  1. His idea of authentic Black hair is not always the bouncy black curls from other POCs I’ve seen him drool over
  2. Sometimes those bouncy black curls aren’t real (see The Root’s That Afro is a Lie to know why or how)
  3. Women…especially Black women are put on display and judged for everything externally facing so a SO’s should hold onto those assumptions
  4. I am authentic because I do what I want without consideration to what my culture or other cultures expect of me.
  5. It takes everything in me everyday to not care

Instead, he should have ask me why I wear extensions and then listen to my answer and not explain the cultural implications tied to my weave.

I refuse to be defined by dead cells.

Cataclysmic Restoration

I was 5 again. I went to the Father and laid myself at His feet. And I was His child.

I have never been one to sit for longer than an hour. I feared the idea of being single and sitting at home, it didn’t matter what I did. I tried making jewelry, read satirical self-help books, thrifted to support a blog venture, blogged, and the list goes on. Nothing satiated my need to ignore my singleness.

Until I found online dating. I happily accepted it as my new outlet / coping mechanism. My profile was / is adorable. I posted good, but tasteful pictures. I put all of ME into this profile, and I reveled in my success.

But with that came a lot of faith and moral compromises. I dated men who vehemently hate God, men who would rather die than bow their knee in prayer; men who believed in their “own internal power.” Each one of them were unhappy, lifeless, and without direction. 

At the end of each relationship (about 3-6 months), I was licking my spiritual and mental wounds. I was once again heart broken, guilty, and alone. Right back where I started – a cyclical relationship with sin that must be broken.

Just like a child does for their parent, I stretched my arms high slightly wanting to be in his lap. Instead I felt the past 4 months lifted off me in waves full of heat…

Condemnation
Pain
Sin
Discouragement
Fear of loneliness…were lifted in waves….my God in waves

I now realize that the only kind of man who is suitable for me is a Christian man who believes and trusts in the Lord, wants to build a solid foundation on the Lords word, and (most importantly) believes sex must happen after marriage. (There are other things on this list, but I digress).

It’s going to take some time. I may be lonely and frustrated…and man am I going to miss sex, but I’m standing my ground this time because I’m not alone. The Lord is with me on my journey…

I hope you’ll join us!

Sufficient Enough

“Before you find the right one and mess up the right one because you’re not yet the right one – because you’ve got issues that are un-dealt with and you’re looking for somebody for security…Before you reach out and try to put the weight of your life and the expectation of your happiness on another person, perhaps God wants to teach you some sufficiency inside of yourself – in Christ. So that when you do meet somebody, you won’t project all of your dysfunction on that relationship. Cause you can turn the right one into the wrong one if you don’t deal with your issues.” – Steven Furtick (Meant to Be – It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman)

I didn’t realize how true this statement was until he dumped me a few nights ago. I was an awesome girlfriend he said. I was sweet, caring, unselfish, and loving. He was happy with me…our relationship just didn’t “click” for him. Translation: He wasn’t that into me to keep our relationship going.

But I realized that although he was happy with how our relationship progressed, he was not happy with himself in our relationship. He was unhappy with his life and himself. There was nothing I could do, and I wasn’t about to make myself responsible for making him happy.

He needed to find himself sufficient enough to clean the dog pee up from the floor, enough to take care of what was left of his teeth, enough to admit that he’s still in love with his married ex-girlfriend / best friend. So it wasn’t me that wasn’t sufficient enough for him. He could not find himself sufficient enough for this child of God. (Yes, I went there.)

I mourned the end of the relationship that night, but the next day I awoke – refreshed and still loved. And since that day…at least once a day…I am told how I glow and I’m asked “Oh. Who’s the new love in your life?”

I respond with a shy smile and say “God.”

To the Lord I am always sufficient enough.

Miss Concentrated

There’s more to life than dating…

REPEAT…

There’s more to life than dating…

But my mom was married and had me by this age…And what about the statistics for women my age and race?…

REPEAT…

THERE’S MORE TO LIFE THAN DATING…

Yes there is…There’s love. But to get to love one has to date…No?…

This isn’t a blog just about dating…or a woman in her mid thirties whose life consists work-gym-home-repeat…or about an African-American woman from the suburbs who identifies and befriends either African-American women from the same background or White males.

This blog is about all of those things.

I won’t bore you with my background just yet. I may insert them here and there in my posts. A mysterious woman is a little sexy, is she not?

All that I can tell you right now is that I have a big decision to make: Be single on my birthday or end a relationship that my current S.O. has emotionally checked out of but allows to continue. Decisions decisions decisions…

Another sexy-single birthday or one where I question every smile, kiss, or look he gives me…It’s sad that I have to sit a write a blog post on this decision. Why is it that being in a relationship is so important? Am I trying to defy the educated, successful, but forever lonely African-American woman stereotype? Most definitely.

Why can’t I have my education, my success, and an honorable man by my side? Why can’t I have it all, or at least most of it? I’m obviously trying very hard, perhaps too hard, to have most if not all it and therefore defy what society says and shows me everyday. Perhaps this is why I have let it go on as long as I have…

Time will tell….but something must change.